Is It Private Practice Prep Or Overthinking?
I am repainting the exterior of my house. I have no business doing this. The only experience with painting I have is with my walls and some random furniture. Yet here I am with 15 gallons of exterior paint ready to get it started.
I rented an airless paint sprayer and was ready to get going yesterday. Only it didn’t work. I only learned this after taping off some spots and windows. It was so frustrating and a waste of supplies. And a letdown because without a sprayer, I can’t paint. It’s far too big of a job to do by hand.
There I was tearing down the taped up windows, frustrated and disappointed. I kept trying to bargain with myself to figure out a plan to start painting yesterday. Mind you, I had myself convinced that I could get it done in one afternoon. I hand cleaned and scrubbed the outside of my house. That was a new and not fun experience. It was prepped and ready to go.
The Therapist Information Trap
As I was crumpling used tape and plastic ripped from the windows and carrying the 15 gallons of paint to storage, I realized this is what it was like when I started my private practice. I was doing things I didn’t need to do, worrying about things I didn’t need to worry about. Though I monitored things that needed monitoring, it turns out I was obsessing over them. So the information was meaningless. Information isn’t meaningful unless you are interpreting it accurately. One patient canceling one appointment is information but not enough to tell how well my practice is operating.
I remember talking to so many different therapists before I started my private practice. Truth be told, I was looking for assurance that other people believed I could do this. When someone wasn’t supportive the way I wanted, then I didn’t seek their feedback. So I was clearly sculpting the feedback I received to match my internalized belief. That I could do this. But two things were working against me. I was a woman and I had undiagnosed OCD.
As women we are conditioned to believe we can’t do things on our own. Before painting my house, I questioned my guy friend over and over about if I could do this on my own or if I had lost my mind. Meanwhile, we both have two arms, hands, legs, and feet. He doesn’t possess something I don’t. Though I see it now, at the time I didn’t realize all my questions to go into private practice were also rooted in this belief I couldn’t do this on my own.
The Therapist Information Trap
And friends, I need to acknowledge my undiagnosed OCD that was causing me to seek assurance constantly. My intrusive thought was that I was going to ruin my career. I was going to smash it into smithereens by making one tiny mistake. My friends and colleagues were tired of my texts and calls and they were starting to wonder if I could do this because of my constant questions. Is this the right decision? Should I try this instead? How will I know if I am making the worst mistake of my life? Before I was able to just accept the uncertainty that exists all around us but especially when building a business, I didn’t know if this was going to work or not. And I wouldn’t until I tried, and tried without feeding into the OCD cycle.
So there I was looking at starting a private practice, filled with doubt about my ability to run a business on my own and intrusive thoughts that I was going to make a career-ending mistake, and also filled with this undeniable drive to try. I literally do not know where that audacity comes from but when I make my mind up, I just keep on until I do it. I am not saying I’ve never walked away from something not meant for me. I did give up on a business degree once.
Overanalyzing Your Practice Data
But really, could one thing going wrong be another example of me wanting something that wasn’t meant for me? According to OCD, yes. But in reality if someone cancels their appointment, is that proof? Obsessing over details led to me interpreting the info incorrectly. That thought was just there to torment me, it didn’t bring real information. The obsessing over minute details went on to fuel all the fears.
Private Practice Growth Struggle
I’d worked myself up to paint my house. Overthought each step and tried to be prepared for any obstacle, except the sprayer not working at all. I was in the habit of analyzing before I had enough information to know anything valuable. Like I believed if I could understand this information at the granular level, I could avoid ever struggling with private practice. I am sure we all wish we could avoid struggling with it. The reality is the struggle is where I grew. I was struggling not because I was missing valuable information. I was struggling because I was overanalyzing and obsessing over meaningless information. What are you struggling with?
